“I can’t explain it to you if you’ve never felt it.” I was trying to explain to someone the addictive quality of weightlifting. They couldn’t understand why bench pressing more mattered, even if no one ever finds out how much I bench press. They couldn’t understand why after injury after injury, I find myself back in the gym, grabbing a bar, and doing physical feats of stupidity. Yes I know it’s stupid to keep going back under that bar, but I am going to keep doing it. There is some savage impulse that leads me back to the gym. This savage impulse can manifest itself in different ways. Some have it with business, some with their art, some have it in a competitive sport.
This impulse is what they didn’t understand, it wasn’t so much that I like to lift heavy things. Their mind was wired for balance, for maturity, for calm. Something is broken in my brain, I have trouble doing balance. This trait shows itself all through my life, not just in the gym. When I am into something, I become a maniac, dabbling is hard, I want in deep. My impulse is to go overboard. My impulse is to ignore the rest of life when I’m dialed in. It’s hard to choose where I’m dialed in. When I ignore the impulses it never works out well for me. Seeking balance for me, is just seeking failure, I can’t do balance.
I have found indulging these impulses and mindsets leads to happiness and success. This indulgence can feel like a super power. It’s not normal, it has no balance, and is not fun all the time. I have learned how to embrace it. There is some savage weird stuff in my brain, and I’m going to run with that for a while.